Presidential Penis Nicknames

I need to start by apologizing in advance. To all of our dead presidents, to my friends, to my family, to you, to humanity: I am deeply sorry.

I've been thinking about this post on Presidential Penis Nicknames for longer than I care to admit. In many ways, the idea for this post is what spurred the creation of this blog in the first place. You see, a couple years ago a friend of mine sent me a message on Facebook asking if Warren G. Harding had sex with his dog.

Ordinarily I'd be shocked by such a suggestion, but I knew the basis of the question. Jon Stewart had recently done a segment involving Harding, and he very matter-of-factly implied that Harding used to have sex with Laddie Boy. I want to say that Stewart was clearly kidding, but apparently this one seemed, somehow, almost plausible?

Nonetheless, I assured my friend that although Harding and Laddie Boy were very close, they did not (to the best of my knowledge) have sex with each other. I did take the opportunity to tell her that Harding had nicknamed his penis "Jerry" because I never pass up opportunities to mention that. She asked if I knew the nicknames of other presidents' penises, and that led to a flurry of speculation and also to the realization that I needed a blog.

So here we are.

As it turns out, we do know the nicknames for two presidents' penises: Harding's and Lyndon Johnson's, referred to as "Jumbo" of course. The rest are shrouded in secrecy, as they should be. But that doesn't mean I can't take a guess. It turns out that the presidents' own nicknames often make great penis-names. Sometimes campaign slogans or important events during their administrations work. You get the idea.

So...I made a list. Note that I have not included any living presidents because: 1) It feels wrong (not that Clinton's hasn't gotten plenty of press), and 2) I didn't want to think about Donald Trump's penis. Most of these should be relatively self-explanatory, or at least easily searchable, but in a few instances I've included links. Some presidents' willies get two nicknames because how can one choose between "Old Public Functionary" and "Ten-Cent Jimmy" for James Buchanan's bits? And just to be clear, one of William McKinley's nicknames really was Wobbly Willie.

George Washington	Vernon (give it a minute)
John Adams	Colossus of Independence His Rotundity
Thomas Jefferson	Long Tom
James Madison	His Little Majesty
James Monroe	Jeremiah Jingle Bolloc Cocked Hat
John Quincy Adams	Publicola
Andrew Jackson	Old Hickory
Martin Van Buren	The Little Magician Talleyrand
William Henry Harrison	Hard Cider
John Tyler	His Accidency
James K. Polk	Young Hickory
Zachary Taylor	Old Rough and Ready
Millard Fillmore	Teacher’s Pet
Franklin Pierce	Handsome Frank
James Buchanan	Old Public Functionary Ten-Cent Jimmy
Abraham Lincoln	The Rail Splitter
Andrew Johnson	The Grim Presence
Ulysses S. Grant	Unconditional Surrender
Rutherford B. Hayes	Samuel Tilden
James Garfield	Roscoe Conkling
Chester A. Arthur	Prince Arthur
Grover Cleveland	Big Steve
Benjamin Harrison	Little Ben
William McKinley	Wobbly Willie
Theodore Roosevelt	The Big Stick The Trust-Buster
William Howard Taft	Big Bill
Woodrow Wilson	The Schoolmaster
Warren G. Harding	Jerry* Laddie Boy
Calvin Coolidge	Even Silenter Cal
Herbert Hoover	The Chief
Franklin Roosevelt	Arsenal of Democracy
Harry Truman	The Bomb The Hell-Giver
Dwight D. Eisenhower	Operation Overlord Sputnik
John F. Kennedy	Jack
Lyndon Johnson	Jumbo* El BJ
Richard Nixon	Tricky Dick
Gerald Ford	Warren G. Harding
Ronald Reagan	The Gipper
*Actual nickname

There you have it. I almost hate to ask, but feel free to submit your own nicknames and maybe I'll consider them for an addendum or something.